Monday, September 1, 2008

My own personal road rage

I thought about putting a title picture on this post. The only on that comes to mind is a picture of a white ( through rage ) knuckled hand gripping the steering wheel of a car !
The thing is , I have had almost 24 hours in which to calm down about these events - however I can feel the pure unadulterated rage is still very accessible to me , even at this point .
Allow me to share the scene , its the first morning of Ramadan , most offices don't begin until 9 - my place of work will open its doors at 8 . I approach this with a naive and gormless optimism - I mean surely this means I will spend less time in traffic - right? If I give myself enough time to pull out of my parking space ( has been known to take up to 20 minutes - thank you very much courteous fellow motorists ), and then one I get onto Emirates road , it should be plane sailing !

HA! How frigging stupid of me to let my imagination place me on Emirates road without a hitch . Didn't my addled brain realise that I would have the automatic brigade driving so far up each others arses , that even my most aggressive driving skills would mean that my pushing onto a slip road would take well over half an hour ( I am , at this point , still walking distance from my lovely , lovely home in Sharjah), but this , I can recover from . The following , however , took its toll on my mental health that morning !

IF , on the 1st of September , YOU found yourself blocked on the hard shoulder by an Irish woman in a battered old sports car , yes, it was me . I was the one with steam coming out my ears - who sat , 500 metres from the entrance to Emirates road for over an hour , while YOU in your generic landcruiser and or newer flashy f&*king sports car sat behind me flashing the lights and sitting on your horn for 5 minutes at a time. These idiots fly up the hard shoulder ( lets not even bother to address the issue of those special little people who wait until they are AT the exit to join the queue ) and make the rest of us sit for hours at a time.
So, note for this coming morning
1) I don't care if you are a top exec in some oh so important job - you clearly should never have been given a licence and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you through this morning .
2) Kindly note , that due to the fact that it is Ramadan , I will not be smoking my way through traffic today - however , I will still be stuck in my car - IE : don't piss me off
3) Please be aware , that two toots of your horn , and I will get out of my f^&king car and verbally harass you at your drivers window, and I WILL be questioning why the hell you feel you have more of a right to get to work than me, and why it is you feel it should only take you 10 minutes to do so !

And finally , please note , that I am all to0 aware that while you sit , a good head and shoulders in height higher than me in your ridiculously huge jeep , you don't have a bloody leg to stand on , nor do you have the balls to do anything more than throw me an ice cold stare as I block you from making a fast get away down the hard shoulder while the rest of us idiots queue like morons because we were under the impression that the rules of the road apply .

This coming morning , if the situation calls for it , I will be lighting cigarettes and tossing them into car windows to express my annoyance . Don't give me the " I'm fasting excuse " - this will all be at 6am - you wont be hungry by then and this morning - I am taking no prisoners.

Who says Dubai doesn't make you racist? I will play a little game with it this morning. When I find somebody trying to bum rape my car on the approach to said exit on emirates road , I will close my eyes , and predict with 95% accuracy the ethnicity , gender and age group of the offender - no cheating - I swear . And just watch , I will be correct in my estimations. I don't care if you started driving when you were 10 years old in your home country and have some bad habits .. this morning , I will be calling the police on your sorry ass - and I actually don't mind getting in a fender bender with you in the name of road safety and fairness. I MAY drive a sports convertible , but I was still in high school when my car was in its hay day - I'm not beyond getting a few bumps and grazes to prove my point - I ain't THAT precious about it !



alexander... said...

So... not a happy girl, then?


uiscebeatha said...

I think a rather large jeep is called for here, preferably four wheel drive with huge wheels and tyres, so if you can't beat 'em join 'em.